rambling kinda bolloxy thing

so i have this shit family thing that has been occupying my mind for years. tried hard to live with it - went mad, forget it - kept coming back and biting me on the arse, ignoring it - kept getting some kind of reminder, getting over it - just when i think i have and it all comes back again, dealing with it - i get the blame.
what can i do?
none of it can be classed as my fault, i didnt make my mother a bad parent or failed wife. anymore than it was my fault my father failed me as my parent and cannot bring himself to care about me. he has his new family and i am not part of it. i am (in his eyes) unworthy of any time or energy and certainly not money. my grandfather wanted me to have some of his furniture, but my father doesnt see why i should have any. wtf?? he must really hate me, if my sisters wanted anything from that house, he wouldnt deny them, so why me? because i am nothing to him but a reminder of what a failure he was as a father. my siblings on my fathers side have benifited from a good educationg, a supportive family, an opportunity to try and find what they can do, i never did so much as a swimming lesson. and he asks why i should have more than them?
i see children when i am out and about with their grandparents and i feel like it is my fault that my children dont have that. i know i shouldnt, but my parents are just shit, never remembered even one of my kids birthdays, let alone bother with mine.
pauls family are just as bad. his mother is so anally retained it makes me look possitively prolapsed! lmao she lies, she lives in this bubble that everything that goes wrong is someone elses fault, and that has been something that paul has finally realised after she attacked one of my children and threw 2 of them out of her house for giggling. she has never had time for any of my kids, pauls other son has always been the b all and end all, just as her daughters children are. after all, she had to keep june sweet incase of tantrums and pauls ex was a teenage mum and they need all the help they can get.
i have fought against all this for years and i'm bored of it now, it has taken all my energy to keep myself going and i'm tired of it. i wish my kids could have what i had with my paternal grandparents, a safe knowledge that their grandparents were there for them, instead they are scared of them, if they feel anything at all.
now pauls mother sends him texts accusing him of being cruel and saying she didnt think he had it in him and of dragging this out as he hasnt spoken to her since christmas (when she attacked my daughter). what is he to say? she just lies, again. makes excuses, again and blames others. it came to light in january that she had been to pauls ex to tell her how i should be hospitalised because of my depression when she has never ever done one thing to help me out, never taken the kids, offered to help in any way, even just phoned me to see how i am. infact when i have been very depressed, she has made a notable point of not getting in contact. she told her that i would turn up on her daughters doorstep (17 miles away) at meal times and trash the house expecting to me fed. 100% lies.
now who is cruel?
if everyone around me treats me like shit, doesnt that follow that i am?
i dont accept that. so i cut them out and just feel like i am missing something. people need their family, i have asked, begged, changed and anything else i can think of, to be included. but what ever i am is never good enough or worthy.
i failed.
i was thinking about my grandad last night, he would send over clothes parcels to ireland for years, always take clothes over to people there. my father had nothing good to say about it, but people thanked my grandad for it, they wanted them, often needed them. my grandmother found a way of helping people with little cost to herself and did it, religiously, everytime she went home, everytime she got a parcel together. her cousin had a load of kids (12 i think) and once thier washing caught fire, the children lost almost everything and that morning a package arrived and kitted out everyone! they still remember it, 40 odd years later. i wonder if people will remember my father with such care?
it hurts me that i am without my closest family. that my father, mother and siblings dont see me as i am, dispite me being an open and honest person. it hurts me that my husbands family have to lie to make excuses for the way they treat him and me and our children. it hurts that this doesnt seem to want to heal.