Monday, 13 October 2008

been sewing

and reading.
sewed 2 cross-stitch things, one of a couple of daffodills and one that i drew out, so that was a bit crap, but all fodder for my inspiratiwall in my lav :o) once it is decorated, which (if anything is left to paul) will be a while until it is decorated.
i have the most manic week ahead, need to clean and shop and take kids swimming and do lemon chicken for dinner at tonis for 11 people tomorrow from here, preparing dinner for 11 people is hard enough without having to transport it precooking stage and going swimming an hour before it needs to be eaten!!
then tuesday got my tat at 1pm, 4-5 hours of pain, i have laid in stores of nice painkillers though. sitting on my arse for that long is painful, so need to protect my poor broken tail!
wednesday is time out together and meditation and possibly my lifecoach lady, she is training and i offered to be her victim :o) should be interesting!! and probably painful after being tattooed all over me back the day before!!
thursday i have stephen over the day to list stuff on ebay, we have van load of puter bits to get shot of and havent a clue what most of them are ..... luckily for me stephen the human sex god will have :o) all hail stephen the sex god!
friday i have lunch planned with a lovely friend at the local thai place that i have discount at and this one isnt for sexual favours, so all the better ;o) then have ann summers party in the evening.
sat'day i have to time out together outting to compton acres.
busy busy busy and it's nearly 1am and i have to be up and sober in 6 hours!!
damn this pimms and all her lovelyness!!

Saturday, 4 October 2008


blogger wouldnt let me sign in and then when i went to try again, i was signed in *scatches head* i won't let it bother me any more!! lol
had my 2nd lot of regression on monday, which was very interesting. i remember a drowning and when she took me back further, being an orphan, being impressed from a pub in london (didnt happen how they reckon on it happening, was very drunk, too drunky to fight, taken onboard ship, locked up until we left port) and fighting on board ship in the north sea where i won the fight but was bound and dumped overboard for my troubles, where i drowned. had some healing after that and feeling very calm and centred since :o) that was monday, wednesday we did meditation and did a mind clearing meditation with a dalai lama chant, which was wonderful, i could feel my third eye fighting to be open. also was gifted with uriel and azriel, the cutest gerbils!!!
they are now living in the front room with the fish, getting a more secure lid so that i dont have to banish the cats from there. they are so sweet. i cleaned the tank out thursday, thought it would give them a chance to be handled a little and if it is all nice and clean in there, they know they have a new home. man, are they whizzy!!! took a while to catch them and even longer to pop them home again! the boys have been spending time, just putting their hands in the tank so they get used to us. they are brave enough to run over our hands and pull at the fingers they find in their house, much to the delight of the kids!!
time out together thing has sorted the first outting, going to compton acres for the half day, i phoned them and got the student rate of £3.50 pp and under 5's free. so thats cool :o) couple more families are on board too. so we have our numbers and our first place and intec is being explored as the full day out we are doing in november. we have to do some paper work with it too, to show other families daytrips out for a reasonable amount.
been swimming 5x this week, and even joined the pool and have almost made the joining fee and first month back :o) swam 600m yesterday and still recovering!! lol havent lost any weight yet tho *insert grumble here*
am planning some decorating before my halloween party so that all i need to do is touch up at crimbly when i do the deep predecorations clean in december. i bought some furniture from ebay, i was actually bidding on a table, but didnt win it, but got a corner cabinet and sideboard, and planning on moving stuff around in here to make it much more cluttered!! rofl paul is gonna hate it, but me cares not :o)
oooooooo i'm also going to be a case study for a lady i met at meditation who is doing a life coach course. tis all free, best price, and hoping to get things sorted once and for all!! i can hope can't i???
i've deciced i'm going out for lunch today, so better get dressed now! or maybe do some searching for things for my inspiratiwall.

Thursday, 25 September 2008

been a while

since i blogged, but been too busy or too pissed off with not having my own puter!!
busy is as busy does tho, takes time up so dont get much time to think really :o) always a good thing. kids back to school and, as usual, loving the stimulation that home education lacks when you are not learning in a structured system. river has settled well into his new school and now we are just ironning out a few teething problems with the bullies, but you get that everywhere i've found.
i've been roped into a locally run project, time out together, that our local college got funding from the lottery for. we met on a wednesday morning and drink tea/coffee and chat for the most part. it is held at the school, so just pop in when we have dropped off. there is a play worker that occupies the one we bring along, and she does it from the corner of the room. the ladies are all really fun and we are looking at doing 2 outings, one half day and one full day. the experience that i had with the home ed group has been fairly helpful. most of us have younger children that either havent got somewhere to go or we want to bring them, so we are pitching for something that will be interesting for them. it is aimed at getting disadvanged kids to spend more time with their families, but it isnt really working like that. i guess coz most of these people would rather watch the telly and send the kids out to play in the street :o/ next week we get to bring in our school age children, taking them out of their classes to meet each other and do some puter work with us in the IT suite. should be fun :o)
chase has managed to get work of the week 2nd week back!! i wasnt given an invitation to school to see her (as they normally do) so i had a word with the teacher who was mortified! and rightly so! chase has had it 6 times now i think!! that child just wants me up at the school more i'm sure of it!! she is the one roping me into the bloody time out together thing! even tho we go out together a lot!!
t'was our 11th wedding anniversary on monday and we had an evening out at a local thai restraurant which was very nice, as was the 2 bottles of wine we consumed and the rhubarb schnapps when we returned! we drank almost all of it, it was soooo soooo divine!! the down side was tuesday morning, when we were both feeling too rough to take the kids to school, in fact i would say i was still over the limit for driving!! so i didnt and the kids were hour and half late!! whoops! was worth it tho! and i have managed to get my hands on more rhubarb for more crimbly schnapps!!
had some past life regression a couple of weeks ago, was very good, and having another session on monday. she is hoping to take me back further, which should be interesting. i must get my last one written up. it was very interesting and explained a lot about why i am like i am :o) it is the lovely lady from the meditation group i go to with my friend fabienne. she also gave me a gift of a painting of my spirit guide and psycic reading, which i must sort out!! been so busy that i havent gotten around to it just yet!
got tat booked for 14th oct, so trying to get in as much time as i can at the pool! just whilst beau is at nursery. my hair is gonna get sooo dry! but hey, if my arse gets smaller, gotta be worth it ;o) i can condition it when i'm waiting for my back to heal ;o)

Monday, 28 July 2008


of kittens and tat :o)

Sunday, 27 July 2008


the house is finally cleaned, all at the same time, from top to bottom. that isnt to say that i wont clean it all again tomorrow, coz i will, bathrooms, hoovering, dusting, floors, fishtank, all again tomorrow. but that is good and it wont take much more than the morning.
have deligated jobs today, river has gone off to work with paul, girls are cleaning out pink people bus so it wont just sit and fester in the next 11 days! sparks and beau are watching tv (just for a change!) some crap on the disney channel, oh its the wizards of whilverly place or some such shite :o)
facebook has so much to answer for, someone i went to school with found me. not that i dont like or didnt like her, coz i did, just that i had hoped that i had left it all behind. was some of the worst years of my life (living in that hell hole didnt help either!) and i was glad to see the back of it all. seems she is just a normal person, with normal life. none of the bizarre shit that happens around me ;o)
my new tat is looking divine! i am soooo in love with it and cannot wait until i'm back from ireland to get more ink! need more tattoos i do! planning on finding a puter to upload all my pix too so shall due post one here.
i'm also really pissed off with amazon! i ordered the spiderwick cronicles books with the field guide and field notes books along with breaking dawn (new stephenie meyer book from the twilight series, i seriously cannot wait and is the only reason i wanna get back from ireland) and i put them down for as soon as they become available, but they went for supersaver, and grouping them in one package as breaking dawn isnt released until 6th aug! the bastards! so will have to make do with the host, the current new release from stephenie meyer. i bought it over week ago and started reading it at tattooist, but was too excited to concentrate and havent been motivated enough to read any since.
whilst surfing around amazon, i saw that sergie lukyanenko has a new book out as part (the last) of the night watch books. i started reading them on my last day in malaysia last year whilst waiting for yoong (got through most of it too!) and sitting in the lobby lounge of KL's best hotel, the shangri-la where we were staying. and apart from the most wonderful setting, it was a fab book, as were the next 2 books, day watch and twilight watch. not out until 6th nov. but i highly recommend the others! i love russian works and this is one of the best imo :o) i watched the film of night watch and it got all fecked up, between the books and artistic licence, i hate seeing films and saying "that was not how it was sposed to be!" or "that doesnt make sense because of XYZ" i guess i should see day watch too and watch it as a body of work, that might make more sense! have to see how much of my huge bag of stuff sells on ebay first, to finance all this spending i'm planning on amazon.
right, got more washing to do!
amor mundi

Thursday, 24 July 2008

ohohoh and!!

i made rhubarb schnappes yesterday before i went down to see auntie frances in weymouth!
1lb of rhubarb
6oz of caster sugar
top up a 1.15 litre pickling jar with vodka
leave in cupboard for at least 6 weeks :o)

i'm planning on saving it until my wedding anniversary in 8 1/2 weeks as a treat for paulee. see, i'm not a bad wife ;o) until we open it and it tastes absolutly repulsive! lmao so i'll feed him curry and sweet love too ;o)


just got inked!! yay!! and have major plans for future, me and my tattooist :o)
i now have a peacock feather on the back of my left arm, reaching from 5 or 6 cms above my elbow and the eye resting on the back of my shoulder and me mucho impressedo. only smarted a bit on the shoulder with the outline. i had thought about having it on the inside of my forearm, but i found several reasons not to have that done YET! no 1, i'm orf to ireland and my elderly family know i've got tats and stuff, but not really appriciative of the art or mutilation, no 2 i know i will catch it on stuff and i'm cleaning, packing etc so rather not do that, no 3 it wont flow with my back piece that we are planning, which leads me seamlessly onto my back piece!
i already have a lotus and 9 stars in a kinda swirl on my back and i wants a goddess i does, to cover my whole back from my waist up. i found this amazing pic on flickr of a white tara backpiece and it has inspired me. when i showed ben he was blown away and i think i kind inspired him too :o) he agreed that the peacock feather would be a good part of it and i would be looking at a sleave if i were to go for it on my forearm and i dont want a sleave. so am in talks with him over cleaning and getting paid in ink :o) i have a steam cleaner and not afraid to use it!! also as paul does tinted windows, i might get this back piece done very reasonably ;o) YAY!
foties to follow as it is covered up and a lil bit red still, but looking fabulous and making my dragon look old and worn and even more like me ;o) but ben said he is willing to tweek that and try and freshen him up a bit to look fab with my backpiece.
only 5 days til i'm orf home to ireland. just about packed and gotta do some more cleaning ready for my house sitters, so they dont think we live like animals! lol feeling quick good about it now. i was very aprihensive as my father has been bitching about me again. i guess i take it all and never protect myself from it, he is lying, i'm not the person he claims i am or do the things he accuses me of, so i send him pink light of unconditional love to heal his pain.
as for that that was about, i went to a meditation circle last night and had a most wonderful evening, i feel calmer and more centred and much better about myself and life. even if paul was here and did sweet FA whilst i was getting inked! i know i should stop expecting him to see the things that need doing and expect him just to carry on doing his own shit and get on and do mine. hard tho, innit?
i am now going to go and sort my bedroom out, prepare some dinner and then watch stardust again.
oooooooo look at that, pimms o'clock!
ok, maybe not yet, but by the time i'm done with all my jobs it will be ;o)

Tuesday, 22 July 2008


i did finally get around to watching it and i totally and utterly loved it! gonna do all my housework, packing, cleaning, washing, cleaning and cooking super quick today so that i can watch it again!!
kids last day at school today, rivers last day there ever ever ever! too much to do and i'm running out of timmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! thats a cue to stop procrastinating and move my fat arse :o)

Monday, 21 July 2008

some puter time

and i'm taking full advantage of it!!
i've been packing and cleaning and sorting ready for hols. seems everything that i do, someone goes and undoes behind me! but i think i'm getting there. i spend a good couple of hours cleaning the car. oh what an exciting life i lead!! instead of allowing them to trash it in the next week, i am lucky enough to have another car which i filled with fuel (dear sweet gods! cost nearly £100!) and am slowing putting stuff i need in the holiday car and slowly getting there (she said just jinxing herself! lol).
i had planned to do a weeks juicing with a view to feel a bit more refreshed and ready for a week of chips and garlic mayo, but had a banging head yesterday and just needed some carbs. the water didnt take away the cravings for choclit!! so i wont be half a stone lighter for me hols! i'm just a fat cow mmmmmmooooooooowwwwww!
why why why has paul left the room and left the tv on??? does he think i want to watch dragon nest or what ever it is called? hhhmmmm where are you buttons??
went off to town today, i had some bills to pay before we go away and i wanted to get a few bits, my aunt wanted some henna, which reminds me that i have to print her out the distructions or she aint gonna know what to do with it!! they dont have the net, they only got mains water in the late 80's. the lovely flamesparrow came with us and we took beau and flamedaemon for a lil bit of lunch, and i had a £30 voucher for dotty p's and finally found something i liked in there! a blue leather handbag, i wanted a top in kingfisher blue (rather than kingfisher green) but found a bag instead! and it doesnt loose everything like the other bag i have YAY!! small things, i know ;o)
after dropping flame back at her car, beau and i went orf to b&q to get a new washing line that i now have to convince my husband that it is worth his while to errect and get down this one that keeps going wonking, gotta get that up on freecycle too! got rid of loads of stuff this weekend after paul and i cleaned out the garage yesterday. the house feels lighter already! also sorted the playroom as the kittens are escaping the rabbit run, so have now put a board up at the door, taken the futon bed out from under the bed, put waterproof sheet on the bed to prevent them ruining too much! they started on solids last week, it wont be long before we start finding poo!! oh i know how to live! rofl
on that note, i need to go a hunting for telly buttons, i cant stand the mumbling of these fools any longer .....

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

a waffle of stuff

following my last post, which to some may seem like a post of wallowing in self pity, is further waffle.
yes, the last post was depressed and i'm not much higher than i was. after all, my family still think i am a piece of shit to be walked over and lied about and i still find that almost impossible to deal with. another thing i find hard is that not one person that i know of would say "ya know what kevin, you are full of shit and maybe you should take some responsiblity for that person that is still, after all your child, you should maybe think that your daughter has suffered because of your failings as a parent" but nobody ever does or has.
i was that kid that people knew was being mistreated but were too afraid to say anything, didnt want to get involved. because of this, it has excused his actions. he did beat me, he did mistreat me, he did not parent me and he does not see that he failed as a parent or human being. never once has he been sorry for his actions, all he has is venom for me and everytime he directs it at me i feel it and suffer because of it.
i need to heal this. i gave him another chance and he chose to take that chance to hurt me further. how can one hate their own child so much? i really wasnt ever that bad.
i decided not to celebrate my birthday, after all, it wasnt like anyone in my family would remember, and true to form, noone did. a couple of friends sent texts (thank you XXX) and i went out to lunch with toni and paul and beau. beau wanted frankie and bennies and that was cool with me. it isnt a good place for me and toni, i seriously think we ought to sign up for sign language classes, at least she and i could communicate. i also think i should get my hearing sorted, if i gotta get a hearing aid, i gotta get one. i'm sick of shouting "speak to me!! speak up!! i can't bloody hear you!" paul and the kids gave me some gifts the next day. i really didnt want anything, but guitarhero aerosmith was nice to have someone buy me instead of getting it myself. oh and paul got me some herstyle straightener which are very good and make my hair look ggggrrrreat!
went out for dinner with toni and her fella jackie, down to the restaurant in poole park, mezza luna. had mozzarella and tomato for a starter and seafood kebabs with salad and saffron rice. john and i drank 2 bottles of wine and finished off with brandys and i kept up with the brandy when i got home, cue very large hangover on sunday.
i went up to the school for an open afternoon (why is it called that when half the teachers have fecked off?) and had brief chat with rivers teacher, he supported our plans of putting river through another year of middle school at broadstone with a view to extra tutition to help him get up to speed for 2ndry. which was what i needed to hear actually.
before that though, whilst on my travels, i had decided to drive past my grandfathers house, something i do rarely as it hurts. as i pulled into the road, i spotted my grandmothers best friend, anne. so parked up and took beau over to have a quick chat with her. she only lives over the road, so we went back to the car and drove around and went in for tea and biscuits and beau had some squash too. we talked of my grandmother, how much we missed her, of the cruelty of my father, of our home - ireland and of her husband. was a nice and unexpected afternoon. i never did get to drive past his house, but what did happen made me happy instead of sad.
this evening i have just returned from the year 7 (rivers year) production of mcbeth and talent show. greg, rivers best friend, completely ignored me, think that was because i had a go at him about he and river smoking. he must have thought he was getting away with it, but i couldnt have that. i am angry at upset that they thought to do it. only that morning (friday) did we find out that river had a place in broadstone middle along with greg. they both seemed so happy and then they go and do something fecking stoopid like that! aaarrgghhh!!
as a consiquence of this, i havent smoked since sat'd.

Monday, 7 July 2008

i could tell

that something bad was brewing for me, i just knew it. then, last night out on the step having a rolly paul tells me my grandfathers house is up for sale. a year ago on my birthday paul went and said to my father that we were interested in buying it. now if you know anything about my father, you know he hates me for a whole host of completly fabricated reasons. i am not after any of my grandfathers money, but i feel that i was lied to for years being promised that my children and i would be "all right" when he died. he left me £5,000 and my father is now worth 2 million, i asked for a couple of bits of furniture that had been promised to me when bert was alive and my father said he had to sell them to pay the death duties. we live in a rented house because my grandfather advised us against buying, all part of the being "all right" bullshit. i was more like a daughter to my grandparents and my father hates, yes really hates-with-gritted-teeth me. he ignores my children, what did they do to deserve it? be my children. my jewellery that was my grandmothers, never made it to me in berts lifetime, so my father has now sold it. there is nothing here that i can look at and think, yea my grandparents owned that. nothing to remind me that once someone did love me.
anyways, we look up the house on the net and find that it is for sale on tender in by noon on my birthday. see the whole hate-with-gritted-teeth thing?
how am i suposed to feel? apart from hurt, angry, more hurt? it is his intention. he could have helped us, he could have made up for the years of abuse i suffered whilst he lived with my mother. the years of pain i suffered because my brother (not even his child) have everything, clothes, toys, money, love that i never have and still, i'm 35 in less than 2 days and he is still abusing me. still finding a way to punish me for being born.
i wish i hadnt been, i wish i had killed her and me with my birth. at least my own family would have thought of me with love.
i am nothing. never have been to anyone.

Sunday, 15 June 2008

tharfers day

is what was written in one of paulees cards today, made me chuckle so thought i'd blog it :o) we got him lush and some books and kids made some cards.
other than that, i'm going to moan. my stomach has been cramping and churning and generally achy and painful for the last 5 hours. i am going to take some codine i think, i dont know what else to do. went out to kingston lacy for lunch, but was raining and busy and i didnt have the nation trust card on me, so went to go to pamphill dairy, but my stomach was killing so paul said lets go home, so we did. got the kids evil KFC on the way back and kids now fed and happy. and i'm still in fecking pain.
got the b & b's sorted for ireland, staying in one the night we arrive there and one before we catch ferry back, paul doesnt like to do it all in one day and i'm totally with him, i remember being so pissed off being stuck in the car for 6 hours, then ferry for 5 then another 6 the other side, mostly only stopping to eat the sandwich prepared the day before. the first time we went over together we did it in one go, left really early and ended up catching the earlier ferry over. this was great, getting to ireland at 6am instead of 12.30 or what ever it was, but kids and paul were all really tired and slept as i drove across ireland. i hadnt slept either, not much the few days before either. and my husband had the bare faced cheek to have a moan that i fell asleep at 7pm that night!!
maud and her babies are all doing fine. she has come out a few times to eat and go to the litter tray, eating well and proud of her pretty babes :o)

Saturday, 14 June 2008


maud had her kittens on thursday evening, i knew it couldnt be long!!!
she had 4, we discovered her just as no 4 was born, but she was so tired at this stage, she didnt show any interest in it when it was born and after a few minutes i kind shoved it towards her and she started cleaning it etc, but was too late and the lil one never breathed :o(
she is happily feeding and cleaning and cuddling the others now, making sure she had plenty of food, i go in every so often and she will leave the crate and go to the litter box or eat something. not keen on doing it if she is alone tho.
we have one white with ginger splodges and tail currently known as spider-pig, one torty and white like her with the very tip of her tail white and there is a ginger flash on her face so flash is kinda sticking as a name and the last is black with grey strips between the eyes and on his side, he is shadow and my fav :o)the last one was all black, so a bit gutted at the cruelty of life, but thats the way it is i guess.
pix to follow :o)

Thursday, 12 June 2008

yay! hols are booked!!

finally got the ferry booked today! i have been putting it off and forgetting and just not getting around to it since i decided to buy a car instead of a month in ireland, but now tis done AND i managed to save the price of the kids ferry fares, no not by leaving them behind, altho i am tempted, but by getting a deal with irish ferries!! woohoo!! looks like i am keeping the voyager until then at least.
talking of the voyager, had that into chrysler this week as last week i couldnt get the key to move in the lock, the ignition had siezed which is a common enough fault. tis done now and should last until we get back from ireland at least, which is good coz it is the perfect holiday vehicle.
gotta go up to school later as river had a letter home last night. the letter says that river acted dangerously, putting himself and others in danger with a chair. he says he was sitting on it as a lunchlady said he could, he was then told to move and when he said he could sit there it all kicked off. so going to see to dep head about that and some other incidences that have been happening, the cricket teacher taking the piss, a teacher threatening him and his nemisis that pretends to be mates with him and gets him into trouble.
i hate school and i wish i could home ed, but life is too short to spend all my time teaching them and to be properly educated you need structure with doesnt work when it adds me and my kids to the mix, so they are in school and i am at home. i was thinking about this yesterday when over with another ex-home edder. her child also asked to go to school as he knew he required more than was possible to get at home. i have heard all the arguments about how autonomous home ed is sposed to work, but it doesnt. at all. i was selfish keeping the children at home for so long when it clearly wasnt working. they needed to learn to read much earlier, they need to feedback from other children and a tinpot home ed group doesnt cut it.
i've been baking lots, made paulee a choclit mallow cake with double cream and raspberries for his burpday, made some choclit cinnimon merange and orange faery cakes which were divine with some lemon sorbet!
HFC (hatty fried chicken) tonight, my own secret recipe of herbs and spices coating freerange chicken legs and fried. served with greek salad and garlic mayo. i was going to make bread and butter pudding coz i have fancied it for ages, but dont have any stalish bread. never mind.
mauds babies have gotta be born soon, or she is gonna pop i swear it!! i have prepared her nest, aka a crate with some blankets and old towel in, put it in a shady corner of my room behind my clothes horse, i mean exercise bike ;o) also put her a litter tray in the ensuite and she has used both, so i dont think it can be far off now.
think the post has just come and with it (and a bit of luck) a letter telling me what i have to do to get my new washing machine, the other (which is only a year old!) has the bearings gone, so the insurance have said we can have a new one!! woohoo!! i just wanna wash me whites!!

Sunday, 25 May 2008

oh no!

panic! the mac has broken!! and i'm religated to using one of the kids pc's. has a stoopid keyboard that i believe belonged to my mil once before she felt that buy another new computer she didnt know how to use was imperative to her survival and pretending her grandchilden that i mothered dont exisit. still, i'm sure it wont be long before the shit hits the fan and everyone is left wondering wtf happened. i'll blog about it as the walls turn brown, promise ;o)
in other news, i saw my half brother martin this week. told him who is real father is, as our mother has chosen to lie to him again. as i was privvy to this information, i felt it my duty to pass it along. i did tell her that i would if she chose not to. turns out her husband had a *heart attack* that morning (wednesday) but i'm very sceptical, the man is so full of shit it comes out each time he talks.
kids are on weeks hols from school, the spring half term. river has a project to complete, 2 actually as he was doing his "if i ignore it it will go away" bullshit wilson thing and not doing his homework. so he is set 4 hours work a day during the break. it is actually easier to get him to do this work than when he was home educated. mostly because he has direction and motivation, both were lacking with home ed and those around us supporting that way of education. i can now see that autonomous learning is, for the most part, bollox. i really failed my kids by not pushing our lives into a stuctured approach as that is the only way children learn all they need to. i am going to be looking into getting river a tutor to get him up to speed and hopefully repair some of the damage autonomous learning has done.
right i hate this keyboard so i'm off to sainsbos for coffee and organic chickens!!