pix!!

of kittens and tat :o)

clean

the house is finally cleaned, all at the same time, from top to bottom. that isnt to say that i wont clean it all again tomorrow, coz i will, bathrooms, hoovering, dusting, floors, fishtank, all again tomorrow. but that is good and it wont take much more than the morning.
have deligated jobs today, river has gone off to work with paul, girls are cleaning out pink people bus so it wont just sit and fester in the next 11 days! sparks and beau are watching tv (just for a change!) some crap on the disney channel, oh its the wizards of whilverly place or some such shite :o)
facebook has so much to answer for, someone i went to school with found me. not that i dont like or didnt like her, coz i did, just that i had hoped that i had left it all behind. was some of the worst years of my life (living in that hell hole didnt help either!) and i was glad to see the back of it all. seems she is just a normal person, with normal life. none of the bizarre shit that happens around me ;o)
my new tat is looking divine! i am soooo in love with it and cannot wait until i'm back from ireland to get more ink! need more tattoos i do! planning on finding a puter to upload all my pix too so shall due post one here.
i'm also really pissed off with amazon! i ordered the spiderwick cronicles books with the field guide and field notes books along with breaking dawn (new stephenie meyer book from the twilight series, i seriously cannot wait and is the only reason i wanna get back from ireland) and i put them down for as soon as they become available, but they went for supersaver, and grouping them in one package as breaking dawn isnt released until 6th aug! the bastards! so will have to make do with the host, the current new release from stephenie meyer. i bought it over week ago and started reading it at tattooist, but was too excited to concentrate and havent been motivated enough to read any since.
whilst surfing around amazon, i saw that sergie lukyanenko has a new book out as part (the last) of the night watch books. i started reading them on my last day in malaysia last year whilst waiting for yoong (got through most of it too!) and sitting in the lobby lounge of KL's best hotel, the shangri-la where we were staying. and apart from the most wonderful setting, it was a fab book, as were the next 2 books, day watch and twilight watch. not out until 6th nov. but i highly recommend the others! i love russian works and this is one of the best imo :o) i watched the film of night watch and it got all fecked up, between the books and artistic licence, i hate seeing films and saying "that was not how it was sposed to be!" or "that doesnt make sense because of XYZ" i guess i should see day watch too and watch it as a body of work, that might make more sense! have to see how much of my huge bag of stuff sells on ebay first, to finance all this spending i'm planning on amazon.
right, got more washing to do!
amor mundi

ohohoh and!!

i made rhubarb schnappes yesterday before i went down to see auntie frances in weymouth!
1lb of rhubarb
6oz of caster sugar
top up a 1.15 litre pickling jar with vodka
leave in cupboard for at least 6 weeks :o)

i'm planning on saving it until my wedding anniversary in 8 1/2 weeks as a treat for paulee. see, i'm not a bad wife ;o) until we open it and it tastes absolutly repulsive! lmao so i'll feed him curry and sweet love too ;o)

inked!!!

just got inked!! yay!! and have major plans for future, me and my tattooist :o)
i now have a peacock feather on the back of my left arm, reaching from 5 or 6 cms above my elbow and the eye resting on the back of my shoulder and me mucho impressedo. only smarted a bit on the shoulder with the outline. i had thought about having it on the inside of my forearm, but i found several reasons not to have that done YET! no 1, i'm orf to ireland and my elderly family know i've got tats and stuff, but not really appriciative of the art or mutilation, no 2 i know i will catch it on stuff and i'm cleaning, packing etc so rather not do that, no 3 it wont flow with my back piece that we are planning, which leads me seamlessly onto my back piece!
i already have a lotus and 9 stars in a kinda swirl on my back and i wants a goddess i does, to cover my whole back from my waist up. i found this amazing pic on flickr of a white tara backpiece and it has inspired me. when i showed ben he was blown away and i think i kind inspired him too :o) he agreed that the peacock feather would be a good part of it and i would be looking at a sleave if i were to go for it on my forearm and i dont want a sleave. so am in talks with him over cleaning and getting paid in ink :o) i have a steam cleaner and not afraid to use it!! also as paul does tinted windows, i might get this back piece done very reasonably ;o) YAY!
foties to follow as it is covered up and a lil bit red still, but looking fabulous and making my dragon look old and worn and even more like me ;o) but ben said he is willing to tweek that and try and freshen him up a bit to look fab with my backpiece.
only 5 days til i'm orf home to ireland. just about packed and gotta do some more cleaning ready for my house sitters, so they dont think we live like animals! lol feeling quick good about it now. i was very aprihensive as my father has been bitching about me again. i guess i take it all and never protect myself from it, he is lying, i'm not the person he claims i am or do the things he accuses me of, so i send him pink light of unconditional love to heal his pain.
as for that that was about, i went to a meditation circle last night and had a most wonderful evening, i feel calmer and more centred and much better about myself and life. even if paul was here and did sweet FA whilst i was getting inked! i know i should stop expecting him to see the things that need doing and expect him just to carry on doing his own shit and get on and do mine. hard tho, innit?
i am now going to go and sort my bedroom out, prepare some dinner and then watch stardust again.
oooooooo look at that, pimms o'clock!
ok, maybe not yet, but by the time i'm done with all my jobs it will be ;o)

stardust

i did finally get around to watching it and i totally and utterly loved it! gonna do all my housework, packing, cleaning, washing, cleaning and cooking super quick today so that i can watch it again!!
kids last day at school today, rivers last day there ever ever ever! too much to do and i'm running out of timmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! thats a cue to stop procrastinating and move my fat arse :o)

some puter time

and i'm taking full advantage of it!!
i've been packing and cleaning and sorting ready for hols. seems everything that i do, someone goes and undoes behind me! but i think i'm getting there. i spend a good couple of hours cleaning the car. oh what an exciting life i lead!! instead of allowing them to trash it in the next week, i am lucky enough to have another car which i filled with fuel (dear sweet gods! cost nearly £100!) and am slowing putting stuff i need in the holiday car and slowly getting there (she said just jinxing herself! lol).
i had planned to do a weeks juicing with a view to feel a bit more refreshed and ready for a week of chips and garlic mayo, but had a banging head yesterday and just needed some carbs. the water didnt take away the cravings for choclit!! so i wont be half a stone lighter for me hols! i'm just a fat cow mmmmmmooooooooowwwwww!
why why why has paul left the room and left the tv on??? does he think i want to watch dragon nest or what ever it is called? hhhmmmm where are you buttons??
went off to town today, i had some bills to pay before we go away and i wanted to get a few bits, my aunt wanted some henna, which reminds me that i have to print her out the distructions or she aint gonna know what to do with it!! they dont have the net, they only got mains water in the late 80's. the lovely flamesparrow came with us and we took beau and flamedaemon for a lil bit of lunch, and i had a £30 voucher for dotty p's and finally found something i liked in there! a blue leather handbag, i wanted a top in kingfisher blue (rather than kingfisher green) but found a bag instead! and it doesnt loose everything like the other bag i have YAY!! small things, i know ;o)
after dropping flame back at her car, beau and i went orf to b&q to get a new washing line that i now have to convince my husband that it is worth his while to errect and get down this one that keeps going wonking, gotta get that up on freecycle too! got rid of loads of stuff this weekend after paul and i cleaned out the garage yesterday. the house feels lighter already! also sorted the playroom as the kittens are escaping the rabbit run, so have now put a board up at the door, taken the futon bed out from under the bed, put waterproof sheet on the bed to prevent them ruining too much! they started on solids last week, it wont be long before we start finding poo!! oh i know how to live! rofl
on that note, i need to go a hunting for telly buttons, i cant stand the mumbling of these fools any longer .....

a waffle of stuff

following my last post, which to some may seem like a post of wallowing in self pity, is further waffle.
yes, the last post was depressed and i'm not much higher than i was. after all, my family still think i am a piece of shit to be walked over and lied about and i still find that almost impossible to deal with. another thing i find hard is that not one person that i know of would say "ya know what kevin, you are full of shit and maybe you should take some responsiblity for that person that is still, after all your child, you should maybe think that your daughter has suffered because of your failings as a parent" but nobody ever does or has.
i was that kid that people knew was being mistreated but were too afraid to say anything, didnt want to get involved. because of this, it has excused his actions. he did beat me, he did mistreat me, he did not parent me and he does not see that he failed as a parent or human being. never once has he been sorry for his actions, all he has is venom for me and everytime he directs it at me i feel it and suffer because of it.
i need to heal this. i gave him another chance and he chose to take that chance to hurt me further. how can one hate their own child so much? i really wasnt ever that bad.
i decided not to celebrate my birthday, after all, it wasnt like anyone in my family would remember, and true to form, noone did. a couple of friends sent texts (thank you XXX) and i went out to lunch with toni and paul and beau. beau wanted frankie and bennies and that was cool with me. it isnt a good place for me and toni, i seriously think we ought to sign up for sign language classes, at least she and i could communicate. i also think i should get my hearing sorted, if i gotta get a hearing aid, i gotta get one. i'm sick of shouting "speak to me!! speak up!! i can't bloody hear you!" paul and the kids gave me some gifts the next day. i really didnt want anything, but guitarhero aerosmith was nice to have someone buy me instead of getting it myself. oh and paul got me some herstyle straightener which are very good and make my hair look ggggrrrreat!
went out for dinner with toni and her fella jackie, down to the restaurant in poole park, mezza luna. had mozzarella and tomato for a starter and seafood kebabs with salad and saffron rice. john and i drank 2 bottles of wine and finished off with brandys and i kept up with the brandy when i got home, cue very large hangover on sunday.
i went up to the school for an open afternoon (why is it called that when half the teachers have fecked off?) and had brief chat with rivers teacher, he supported our plans of putting river through another year of middle school at broadstone with a view to extra tutition to help him get up to speed for 2ndry. which was what i needed to hear actually.
before that though, whilst on my travels, i had decided to drive past my grandfathers house, something i do rarely as it hurts. as i pulled into the road, i spotted my grandmothers best friend, anne. so parked up and took beau over to have a quick chat with her. she only lives over the road, so we went back to the car and drove around and went in for tea and biscuits and beau had some squash too. we talked of my grandmother, how much we missed her, of the cruelty of my father, of our home - ireland and of her husband. was a nice and unexpected afternoon. i never did get to drive past his house, but what did happen made me happy instead of sad.
this evening i have just returned from the year 7 (rivers year) production of mcbeth and talent show. greg, rivers best friend, completely ignored me, think that was because i had a go at him about he and river smoking. he must have thought he was getting away with it, but i couldnt have that. i am angry at upset that they thought to do it. only that morning (friday) did we find out that river had a place in broadstone middle along with greg. they both seemed so happy and then they go and do something fecking stoopid like that! aaarrgghhh!!
as a consiquence of this, i havent smoked since sat'd.

i could tell

that something bad was brewing for me, i just knew it. then, last night out on the step having a rolly paul tells me my grandfathers house is up for sale. a year ago on my birthday paul went and said to my father that we were interested in buying it. now if you know anything about my father, you know he hates me for a whole host of completly fabricated reasons. i am not after any of my grandfathers money, but i feel that i was lied to for years being promised that my children and i would be "all right" when he died. he left me £5,000 and my father is now worth 2 million, i asked for a couple of bits of furniture that had been promised to me when bert was alive and my father said he had to sell them to pay the death duties. we live in a rented house because my grandfather advised us against buying, all part of the being "all right" bullshit. i was more like a daughter to my grandparents and my father hates, yes really hates-with-gritted-teeth me. he ignores my children, what did they do to deserve it? be my children. my jewellery that was my grandmothers, never made it to me in berts lifetime, so my father has now sold it. there is nothing here that i can look at and think, yea my grandparents owned that. nothing to remind me that once someone did love me.
anyways, we look up the house on the net and find that it is for sale on tender in by noon on my birthday. see the whole hate-with-gritted-teeth thing?
how am i suposed to feel? apart from hurt, angry, more hurt? it is his intention. he could have helped us, he could have made up for the years of abuse i suffered whilst he lived with my mother. the years of pain i suffered because my brother (not even his child) have everything, clothes, toys, money, love that i never have and still, i'm 35 in less than 2 days and he is still abusing me. still finding a way to punish me for being born.
i wish i hadnt been, i wish i had killed her and me with my birth. at least my own family would have thought of me with love.
i am nothing. never have been to anyone.