over

came today, with a cheque for £5000. it was my inheritance from my grandfathers £1.5 million estate. £45k in legacies and the rest for my father.
the slap was in the form of the £500 my children have been left. because my grandfather didnt update his will to include my other children, just 2 of them, with £250 each, my dad is only authorising £500 pay out for all my 5 offspring. he did say to me they would get what was coming. their existance must really offend him.
i just want to die, that has hurt me more than i thought possible.
paul just told me he was tempted to phone my father this morning. but he wont. he doesnt. i'm only his wife and anyone can do everything possible to insult me, he wouldnt care. he doesnt care. after today, it couldnt be more obvious. he as much as said it, he wouldnt come out and say it, too much confrontation for someone as weak as him. i always thought it was a strength, his laid back attitude. but now i see it is just avoidance.
thanks, what more could one want from a husband??

my poor wee man

we were all sat at the kitchen table eating our dinner of hattys special fried rice and HFC (nope that wasnt me that was for dinner!) hatty fried chicken! anyways, sparks said something about his grandmother (pauls mother) being a murderer and promptly burst into tears, when i asked him what he meant by that, he said "because she grab chase and tried to strangle her and that could have killer her and it was freezing cold and she chucked her out of the house!" those that dont know, pauls mother did indeed do this, on boxing day and neither we nor the children have seen her since, nor wanted to, obviously!
i brought him into the lounge to have a chat about it and i couldnt believe how upset this made him, i knew that he had been witness to it, but didnt know that is what he thought!
my poor boy!
i think he was a bit tired, he had my bezzy mate nics son jamie over for tea yesterday and they were in and out, playing in the garden, on the wii, in sparks room. then today, he had the day off and i took him and james, bonnies lil bro, over to the bournemouth oceanarium and then to harry ramsdens for lunch of pizza and chippies and icecream to follow. i had planned on moors valley, but weather was wet this morning and, knowing what it is like in the rain, i didnt wanna take james back looking like he had been bathed in mud!! so quick trip to the park on the way home and half hour on the wii before taking james up the school to meet his mum when she picked up bonnie. gods, that boy is loud!! but all in all, taking out two six year olds was, as expected, filled with much giggling, lying (i've got a pet wolf, yea sure you have dude!) and playing of nintendo dses! he ate all his lunch (even if he did lick out the ketchup lid (eeww eewww ewww) and got his pudding. sparks was made up he got to have some of his mates over for a change, it is usually river and edz mates that come over, altho, when cat and laura and eli came down 2 sat'ds ago, there was toby (6) jack (7) luca and fae (nearly 3) and rhiannon (9) so chase was the only one left out. that said, i had a chat with charlottes mum and she said, as long as charlotte wants to, charlotte could come over for dinner one evening, but she isnt eating much, so i am going to give it a go at getting her to cook with chase, and hopefully more inclined to eat something she had prepared and cooked! i can hope!!!
right beaubaleeze has been bathed, the girls have cleaned their room, river and the other children in the street are bring up rolls of turf from down the road, sparks is playing bowling on the wii with paul and i cant play guitar hero *pouty sulky face*
i'll have to read or ..... something ......

you want more?

yeah ..... guitar hero!!!
after feeding the 5000, well close, 9 people that were here for dinner tonight, i played, yes more guitar hero!! just improving my scores on the quick play, kids are improving, i have to stay highest score, i must, just this once!!!
paul is playing, he has caught guitar hero fever, he wants the precious, but he cants have its, no precious for you are minnnnnneeeeeeee!!
hhmm yeah, so, had brief chat with friend of dear friend and it turns out my uncle frank that i went to see in feb, is ill again :o( he is in his 80's, so a worry, has been in hospital, but out now. i must try to get down to getting a card or something, gods i'm so crap at times :o(
after all extra children went to their own homes, auntie frances, grandads girlfriend phones to tell me she had her £20k cheque, mixed emotions again and i kinda had a bit of a vent off at her, which was unfair and she didnt deserve it, i wasnt having a go at her, just venting my frustration and sadness of the way my dad has acted towards me and to her too to some extent, she understands my place and she was (as always) sweet and understanding and everything she always is. i phoned her back later to apologise and thank her for listening, she didnt need to hear it, but the again she is very unhappy and likes to hear a voice in the house, so was happy that i rang back just for that, bless her. i must ring her more, she is the sterotypical old lady, got family but live away and do visit, and call, just not enough to fill that void. i must try to make more of an effort, gods i'm so crap at times :o(
sparks has day off tomorrow because of the NUT strikes (yay! more striking i say! send the whole fecking lot into chaos!) and so has bonnies lil bro, he and sparks have kinda gravitatied together when they have met, the unspoken 6 year old boy thing, i said to his mum that he was welcome over for the school time with sparks, thought we might go to moors valley as we have the car park pass still and for the next month, must use often!! i gotta get chase to invite a friend as sparks had jamie over for tea today and young nasty man had wonderboy over and edz had bonnie tuesday and she is planning on staying friday night and tyler will be here and river is off to an 11 year olds birthday party 2 doors down. shit! what a weekend! oh fuck and i've invited over my mate brina for dinner eeeeekkkkk must call her and cancel, gods i'm so crap at times :o(
ok, enough of being shit, going to play guitar hero and rock!!

catnip overload

during this mornings guitar heroics, beau fed an entire tube of catnip to the cats, can they overdose????
i really should do some cleaning as spent hour and 40mins on the phone with my chaotic friend, some washing and some guitar heroics (where i did rock i did!!).
my cats are gonna be sooo loved up the rest of the day!!

more guitar hero!!

after a day of running around, school runs, driving, more school runs, i should be coming home to tidy my house, put away the mountain of washing and lovingly prepare the childrens tea, doing all the chores i couldnt do because i was working. i should, shouldnt i? but i'm not. instead i've been playing guitar hero and arse to the rest of it!!

guitar legend!!!

thats what i am!! oh yes.
after playing guitar hero with jim the other evening, i had to get it and as paul let me down AGAIN on getting something sorted with inking, i phoned him on his way to getting inked himself (notice how he gets to do this stuff and have hours off from his day to do that for himself, but i cant go to the hairdressers alone???) and asked if i could buy guitar hero iii for the wii! de man getting inked, he say yes!! so i bought said heroic game and have been playing it ever since.
i say ever since, but that translates to couple of hours friday, 3 on sat'd, couple last night and half hour today. i have managed to get through the easy levels (where you just use 3 fingers) and now on medium (using 4) then there is hard where you grow another finger and expert and i havent a clue what you do there, i am too scared to find out, will wait til i at least get through medium ;o)
what else can i say, but i rock!!! paul and steve tried it and steve was shite (sorry steve, but even you said so! lol) and paul took about 10 goes to get through one song on easy, when i first tried, i had one practice and then finished the song!!! with a new high score!! see guitar legend i am, oh yes i am!! after i beat the easy level, i played a few songs on spike career band, so he had some more songs open for him :oD any excuse!! lol
even now, it is on, both edz and beau are asleep on the sofa and i should be cleaning the kitchen, but am fighting playing it, so blogging about it instead!!
edz is off school today with a crook neck, she wont straighten her head on her shoulders as it hurts and doesnt care that that is the only way to get the muscle to unspasm. i mean, wtf would i know right? *rolls eyes*
in other news, had several abusive phone calls yesterday from pauls mother, throwing insults, calling her son a groomer!! pmsl said he was grooming an old lady????? said it was all over the internet. some people are so full of shit!! rofl next she phoned and left another message pleading him to speak to her. why? she manages to get paul to not want to speak to her even more with every call.
took beau swimming for the first time yesterday and she loved it, after the initial, i want to get out, dont let me go. she sat in the ring and just held my finger whilst she floated and splashed and giggled :o)
gotta go clean my kitchen, gotta be at the school in half hour to get edz out of doing sats as i dont believe in them ;o) i bet they love me!!!

amor mundi

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Quizzes and Personality Tests

6 pence!!

i have just recieved my order from my salt supplier. they upped their min order for free delivery to £175 and i placed an order for £181.89 to get me over the min order and get free delivery and one item costing £6.95 was out of stock which brought me down to £174.94 and they fecking charged me delivery!! the fecking cheek!! ffs! 6 pence, and they could have called me, i would have ordered something else, i was debating on whether to have something else anyways and chose this one thing instead. and wouldnt ya know it, when i ring them at 5.28pm, they have already switched on the answer phone so i cant go raging down the phone at them tonight bitching about it! ffs!! 6 fecking pence!!

been busy!

after yesterdays none starter of a day, today was just the opposite!
flame texted me this morning before school asking if i was around for coffee, i was and this gave me the perfect excuse NOT to juice and sit around drinking coffee and nattering with my mate, and that we did! beau and hellboy were fighting a bit which was funny, i just left them to it, i've been a mother far too long to worry about a couple of 2 year olds fighting! lol
after she left (and a bit whilst she was here too) i cleaned and tidied and beautified my house a little in expectation of toni and her new blokey, john, who were popping in for a bite to eat and a chat. i went out to asda to pick up a few bits and saw someone i went to school with! quick chat with her and shot up to pauls unit as i had an unrepressable urge to kiss him, he was busy ..... by the time he was free again it had pretty much worn off!!
toni and john turned up just minutes after i returned, possitivly perfect timing!! they entertained beau as i cooked and flapped in the kitchen and then when the school rang to say that river had hurt himself (AGAIN!) and possibly broken his elbow (wtf was he doing???) but once river was home and had some pasta salad and garlic bread, he was right as rain, keeping his arm in a sling for the attention it got him.
john is very nice, he complimented my house, cooking, children and the lovely planter that i had buddha sitting in. it is also surrounded by 2 foot of nearly ready compost and the children had put a fake arm and a thumb in, he asked who they belonged to, to which i replied "toni's last boyfriend!" i'm glad he saw the funny side of it, coz i was pmsl!
when they were ready to go, river turned to me and said "i like him, can we not put him in the compost???" and mucho laughing followed that too :o) i think he liked us and us him :o)
after school, bonnie came over for dinner, i had some messages to run in town, so went off to poole with 6 children in tow, i musta been mad! HA! i AM mad!! i did some banking, changed some details and got a swimming cozzy for beaubaleeze! a fifi and the flowertots one and she lurves it. when i dropped bonnie off, had a chat with her mother about our mutual friend, and then went over to see steve to drop off his beer and see what info i could pump (not much).
sat with steve watching him play grand theft auto *yawn* and then there was a knock and steve's lil bro JP said there was someone there to see me, was ben that i havent seen, and only chatted to on facebook and texts this last 6 months or so, for 15 years +. he was 12 the last time i saw him and he certainly isnt now! now he is 6 foot odd, riding the sexiest of bikes, bit like this one

he only stopped coz he saw my lil type r honda parked up outside their house. was buzzing to see him and i hope to see him again soon, wont be so weird now that we have actually managed to bump into each other!! lol
after he left and jp had finished eating, we went in to his room and played guitar hero, i fought it as i make such a cock out of myself, but in the end, i played the killers and the stones and guess what??????? i ROCK!! i have to get one of these for the wii!! i so so so sooooooo do!! lol
right bed now, coz i need to sleep and rest for maybe more guitar hero tomorrow ;o)

edens outfit

she did ALL the machine sewing, some of the cutting, pinning and tacking too :o) and i made the apron. there are no buttons and these are machine made and they didnt have the means in the 16th century, so is laced at the front and over the shoulders. i also helped her shrink it so that the size 10 pattern fit her aged 9 frame and we can let it out again should she need it as she grows!
see i thought of everything! lol

the day that never happened

i was sposed to do loads today and i feel like i've done sweet FA!
paul had steve working with him today and they were both up when i got up and downstairs around 8. as soon as they left, the kids just stopped, stopped eating, getting ready for school and it ended up that i got to school at ten to eight, which is late for us. i popped into the office to see about nursery place for beau and got an application form and orders to come back after work of the week. so home goes beau and me, i do bit of tidying, wipe counters and table in the kitchen and it is time for us to go back up for edz 2nd work of the week for her tudor costume (photos to follow) and we got lots of waves from sweet christine, wonderboy and even our own young nasty man caught sight of us ;o) everyone was suitably impressed and after we said goodbye we went down to the other building for a look around the nursery and reception and gave in our form. neadless to say, she didnt want to leave all the lovely toys.
upon our return she decided she was making herself lunch, bread and grapes. mmmmmm nice! she ate it all, so i wont complain ;o) whilst i prepared the contestants of tonights stew, she fell to sleep on the sofa and had a hell of a job waking her to get her up there in time to pick the guys up, then it was a muck about in the playground, as one comes out another runs off. i'm pissed off about it, i was ready to leave them behind, maybe i should!
is monday, so swimming night and only after we have driven the 20 mins to the swimming pool do i find that the shampoo in the girls bag had leaked, not that i need much encouragment to cancel a day, this was it for me! so home we went.
since i have been looking at how to do hairstyles on videojug. there was something important i was sposed to be looking up, but cant remember what it is.
going to read the rest of new moon and with a little luck, fall asleep ;o)

rambling kinda bolloxy thing

so i have this shit family thing that has been occupying my mind for years. tried hard to live with it - went mad, forget it - kept coming back and biting me on the arse, ignoring it - kept getting some kind of reminder, getting over it - just when i think i have and it all comes back again, dealing with it - i get the blame.
what can i do?
none of it can be classed as my fault, i didnt make my mother a bad parent or failed wife. anymore than it was my fault my father failed me as my parent and cannot bring himself to care about me. he has his new family and i am not part of it. i am (in his eyes) unworthy of any time or energy and certainly not money. my grandfather wanted me to have some of his furniture, but my father doesnt see why i should have any. wtf?? he must really hate me, if my sisters wanted anything from that house, he wouldnt deny them, so why me? because i am nothing to him but a reminder of what a failure he was as a father. my siblings on my fathers side have benifited from a good educationg, a supportive family, an opportunity to try and find what they can do, i never did so much as a swimming lesson. and he asks why i should have more than them?
i see children when i am out and about with their grandparents and i feel like it is my fault that my children dont have that. i know i shouldnt, but my parents are just shit, never remembered even one of my kids birthdays, let alone bother with mine.
pauls family are just as bad. his mother is so anally retained it makes me look possitively prolapsed! lmao she lies, she lives in this bubble that everything that goes wrong is someone elses fault, and that has been something that paul has finally realised after she attacked one of my children and threw 2 of them out of her house for giggling. she has never had time for any of my kids, pauls other son has always been the b all and end all, just as her daughters children are. after all, she had to keep june sweet incase of tantrums and pauls ex was a teenage mum and they need all the help they can get.
i have fought against all this for years and i'm bored of it now, it has taken all my energy to keep myself going and i'm tired of it. i wish my kids could have what i had with my paternal grandparents, a safe knowledge that their grandparents were there for them, instead they are scared of them, if they feel anything at all.
now pauls mother sends him texts accusing him of being cruel and saying she didnt think he had it in him and of dragging this out as he hasnt spoken to her since christmas (when she attacked my daughter). what is he to say? she just lies, again. makes excuses, again and blames others. it came to light in january that she had been to pauls ex to tell her how i should be hospitalised because of my depression when she has never ever done one thing to help me out, never taken the kids, offered to help in any way, even just phoned me to see how i am. infact when i have been very depressed, she has made a notable point of not getting in contact. she told her that i would turn up on her daughters doorstep (17 miles away) at meal times and trash the house expecting to me fed. 100% lies.
now who is cruel?
if everyone around me treats me like shit, doesnt that follow that i am?
i dont accept that. so i cut them out and just feel like i am missing something. people need their family, i have asked, begged, changed and anything else i can think of, to be included. but what ever i am is never good enough or worthy.
i failed.
i was thinking about my grandad last night, he would send over clothes parcels to ireland for years, always take clothes over to people there. my father had nothing good to say about it, but people thanked my grandad for it, they wanted them, often needed them. my grandmother found a way of helping people with little cost to herself and did it, religiously, everytime she went home, everytime she got a parcel together. her cousin had a load of kids (12 i think) and once thier washing caught fire, the children lost almost everything and that morning a package arrived and kitted out everyone! they still remember it, 40 odd years later. i wonder if people will remember my father with such care?
it hurts me that i am without my closest family. that my father, mother and siblings dont see me as i am, dispite me being an open and honest person. it hurts me that my husbands family have to lie to make excuses for the way they treat him and me and our children. it hurts that this doesnt seem to want to heal.

this just a tribute

beaus fav song of the moment, she is working on singing it all!
ssooo cute, she even does the 2 and 1 make 3 bit, get confused and then manage it with great delight!

cor blimey goven'r

the slow cooker keeps things hot and no mistake!!

made sausage casserole out of the chicken stock made from the roast chooks yesterday and aberdeen angus beef sausages, mushrooms, cauli, brokolee and green lentils, it was on the keep warm feature by the time we got back from swimming and mine is still too hot to eat and has just burnt my lips and tounge!! ouch!! hate it when i do that.

swimming was much easier now their classes are all at the same time, means i'm not trying to save beau from falling in for an hour, just half and hour!! she insisted i go out and buy her and harvey some crisps! she told me "you should get some for him and me and they we wills be good and not get wet" so that was me told and she and i toodled off to the vending machine that was far too hard for my small girl brian to work out, put in money and open a door that was severely reluctant to open. managed it in the end and bought myself some salt and vinegar snack'o'jacks eeeww eewww ewww!! they are just wrong!

my lovely mate brina is coming over for dinner on friday. she and i met at swimming, her daughter was in the same class as my girlies when they first started. she was heavily preg then and the first week she brought her wee man i offered to hold him whist she wrestled with getting her daughter dressed. he was only 9 days old or something, very very new anyways :o) he always gives me cuddles at swimming, makes me feel so loved! lol

paul found a mouse head at the bottom of the stairs this morning, shouting at me that he couldnt do something as he left as he had put the mouse head in the bin when i find it in the bloody downstairs loo as it hadnt flushed!! why why why???? why would you put a fecking mouse head in the loo??? could scare the weeuns away from using that loo for life! espeshly beau! she is not even 3! the gobshite!

feeling quite proud that got my mountain of washing sorted, dinner made and house fairly tidy and had coffee and biscuits with flame and did swimming, got the flyers for the window cleaning and took flameboys coat over as well as some reading, just got the sewing of the headdress for edz costume tomorrow to do and the button holes, another load of washing and get a car from westovers ...... then i might just fall asleep ;o)

tagged by flame - 4 things

4 Jobs:

dental surgery assistant - i knows about teeth i do

pizza shop manager - and got away with only one burn!

kebab shop manager - note to anyone thinking of working in a kebab shop, cover sensitive areas of skin, fat burns on ya belly hurt!

delivery driver - the job i did the best ;o)

4 Favourite Movies:

dr zhivago

donnie darko

lotr trilagy (as they are one film really)

labyrinth

4 Places I've been:

ireland

france

malaysia

spain

4 Places I've Lived:

poole

bournemouth

christchurch

gravesend

4 Favourite TV Shows:

grand designs

QI

star trek DS 9

star trek voyager (only coz i havent seen it as often as next gen and OS)

4 Favourite Radio Shows:

terry wogan

erm thats about all the radio i listen too when not skipping between radio 3 and classic fm


4 Favourite Foods

curry

vanilla icecream

rasberries

choclit

4 Places I'd Rather Be:

Kuala Lumpur

west of Ireland

lisa g's kitchen table

starbucks with book and coffee

tagging willow the wisp :o)

wonderboy and young nasty man

river now has a new bestest mate, they were arch rivals over the love of the sweet christine, but wonderboy turned up yesterday with his scateboard and now they are the bestest of mateses. oh yes they are!! wonderboy got me to speak with his stepfather and then tells me his stepfathers full name, hhhmm thinks me, i went to school with someone called that, how old is he? oh the same age as me, what school? the same school as me!! so wonderboy comes out to heavy horse centre with us and great fun was had by all.
upon our return home, i got to cooking a gorg chicken and butternut squash curry and dhal, and the remains was put into a tub for sweet stephen and i took wonderboy and young nasty man over to get wonderboys stuff and ended up talking to his mum and stepdad for 2 hours!!! was nice, was fun and didnt get to take steve over his food!! eeeekkk will have to call him and apologise, hope he isnt too pissed off with me ;o)
today, neither of them got much sleep, so were fairly quiet after an eager morning of scateboarding in the garden and street. when paul got back, they had a quick lunch and we were off to auntie frances in weymouth, that bored the knickers of us all.
they are now off to wonderboys for the night and long walk tomorrow!

heavy horse centre

i want to go there today :o)
gonna set kids to work on chores, leaving me the hard stuff and prepare some sandwiches and then get orf to verwood for a day of horses and donkeys and llamas and goats and erm chickens!! oh rabbits too!!
i hope they do good coffee!
still havent put the letter from the endoscopy ward into the gp, so do that on the way (kinda coz it is opposite direction!) stop at the cake shop for some supplies of something yummy and be off to sunny (?) verwood!!
gonna go see the lovely adam, my fav horse out there :o)

amor mundi

sewing hell

for her tudor home learning project (the irony is still biting me) eden is doing a tudor dress. mostly for the learning of the sewing machine stuff. anything else she is going to loose i think. she has really enjoyed doing the machine stuff, the pinning and tacking have driven her mad with tedium, and me having to listen to her!
today we went back to the fabric shop and found some material for the main dress that didnt come to over £30!! but it doesnt exactly go with the underskirt and top, but never mind, it is more about her learning something that it contrasting!
sparks stayed over at jay's last night and had a ball! i havent seen him yet today as he is still there, nic will drop him home later when she is on her travels i spec, but it is so quiet here without him, even if the others make up for him in noise, it is out of step, definatly something missing!! he has never had a sleep over on his own before, at least one of the others has gone with him. my lil fella is turning into a man!
christine has turned up with another of her and rivers school friends, edz is now bugging me to ring bonnie, but i know she isnt home today, her mother is going for a d&c. bonnie was over for sunday afternoon and had dinner with us. i thought it only fair to explain to her mother that i knew her dad from a long time ago. she knew who i was instantly and starting a conversation of isnt richard a complete waste of space lol she told me a few things that i didnt need to know, but glad i do and had i known them a year ago i'm not sure how i would have handled things. i know i wouldnt have been able to speak to him and probably still carried around all that pain.
long gone, ancient history.
when she came to pick bonnie up, she said how spun out she was, but like i said, i wasnt going to take her daughter over to mine for her to find out some other way that i knew bonnies dad. she asked me what my husband was like, i told her he was the opposite of hers, she said "tall dark hansome and honest?" thats the one!! lol
have to get on with the cutting and pinning and sewing of this dress .....
i really really dont want to!!
can you tell??
i might go prepare the chickens for tonights dinner, roast chicken and rice.
could always do some miles on the strider, but then i'd need to shower!
hhhmmmm maybe i should mop floors and continue to procrastinate!

or not

amor mundi