Wednesday 16 July 2008

a waffle of stuff

following my last post, which to some may seem like a post of wallowing in self pity, is further waffle.
yes, the last post was depressed and i'm not much higher than i was. after all, my family still think i am a piece of shit to be walked over and lied about and i still find that almost impossible to deal with. another thing i find hard is that not one person that i know of would say "ya know what kevin, you are full of shit and maybe you should take some responsiblity for that person that is still, after all your child, you should maybe think that your daughter has suffered because of your failings as a parent" but nobody ever does or has.
i was that kid that people knew was being mistreated but were too afraid to say anything, didnt want to get involved. because of this, it has excused his actions. he did beat me, he did mistreat me, he did not parent me and he does not see that he failed as a parent or human being. never once has he been sorry for his actions, all he has is venom for me and everytime he directs it at me i feel it and suffer because of it.
i need to heal this. i gave him another chance and he chose to take that chance to hurt me further. how can one hate their own child so much? i really wasnt ever that bad.
i decided not to celebrate my birthday, after all, it wasnt like anyone in my family would remember, and true to form, noone did. a couple of friends sent texts (thank you XXX) and i went out to lunch with toni and paul and beau. beau wanted frankie and bennies and that was cool with me. it isnt a good place for me and toni, i seriously think we ought to sign up for sign language classes, at least she and i could communicate. i also think i should get my hearing sorted, if i gotta get a hearing aid, i gotta get one. i'm sick of shouting "speak to me!! speak up!! i can't bloody hear you!" paul and the kids gave me some gifts the next day. i really didnt want anything, but guitarhero aerosmith was nice to have someone buy me instead of getting it myself. oh and paul got me some herstyle straightener which are very good and make my hair look ggggrrrreat!
went out for dinner with toni and her fella jackie, down to the restaurant in poole park, mezza luna. had mozzarella and tomato for a starter and seafood kebabs with salad and saffron rice. john and i drank 2 bottles of wine and finished off with brandys and i kept up with the brandy when i got home, cue very large hangover on sunday.
i went up to the school for an open afternoon (why is it called that when half the teachers have fecked off?) and had brief chat with rivers teacher, he supported our plans of putting river through another year of middle school at broadstone with a view to extra tutition to help him get up to speed for 2ndry. which was what i needed to hear actually.
before that though, whilst on my travels, i had decided to drive past my grandfathers house, something i do rarely as it hurts. as i pulled into the road, i spotted my grandmothers best friend, anne. so parked up and took beau over to have a quick chat with her. she only lives over the road, so we went back to the car and drove around and went in for tea and biscuits and beau had some squash too. we talked of my grandmother, how much we missed her, of the cruelty of my father, of our home - ireland and of her husband. was a nice and unexpected afternoon. i never did get to drive past his house, but what did happen made me happy instead of sad.
this evening i have just returned from the year 7 (rivers year) production of mcbeth and talent show. greg, rivers best friend, completely ignored me, think that was because i had a go at him about he and river smoking. he must have thought he was getting away with it, but i couldnt have that. i am angry at upset that they thought to do it. only that morning (friday) did we find out that river had a place in broadstone middle along with greg. they both seemed so happy and then they go and do something fecking stoopid like that! aaarrgghhh!!
as a consiquence of this, i havent smoked since sat'd.

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