i could tell

that something bad was brewing for me, i just knew it. then, last night out on the step having a rolly paul tells me my grandfathers house is up for sale. a year ago on my birthday paul went and said to my father that we were interested in buying it. now if you know anything about my father, you know he hates me for a whole host of completly fabricated reasons. i am not after any of my grandfathers money, but i feel that i was lied to for years being promised that my children and i would be "all right" when he died. he left me £5,000 and my father is now worth 2 million, i asked for a couple of bits of furniture that had been promised to me when bert was alive and my father said he had to sell them to pay the death duties. we live in a rented house because my grandfather advised us against buying, all part of the being "all right" bullshit. i was more like a daughter to my grandparents and my father hates, yes really hates-with-gritted-teeth me. he ignores my children, what did they do to deserve it? be my children. my jewellery that was my grandmothers, never made it to me in berts lifetime, so my father has now sold it. there is nothing here that i can look at and think, yea my grandparents owned that. nothing to remind me that once someone did love me.
anyways, we look up the house on the net and find that it is for sale on tender in by noon on my birthday. see the whole hate-with-gritted-teeth thing?
how am i suposed to feel? apart from hurt, angry, more hurt? it is his intention. he could have helped us, he could have made up for the years of abuse i suffered whilst he lived with my mother. the years of pain i suffered because my brother (not even his child) have everything, clothes, toys, money, love that i never have and still, i'm 35 in less than 2 days and he is still abusing me. still finding a way to punish me for being born.
i wish i hadnt been, i wish i had killed her and me with my birth. at least my own family would have thought of me with love.
i am nothing. never have been to anyone.